Help! My House Is Infested With Boy Scouts!

OK, the boy scouts have been in town here in D.C. for like 3 years now. Isn't it time they put the khaki daisy duke shorts away, untie those grannie knots, round up their pedophile scout masters -- at least the ones that didn't electrocute themselves when their tent pole hit a power line a couple of weeks ago (I kid you not, these are the guys teaching all these kids basic camping safety...) -- and head home?

I'm sure there's lots of baseball to be played and small animals to torture (or whatever it is those hitler youth like to do in their spare time).

Come on, I only kid! The scouts are a great organization, where children can learn self-respect, discipline, forestry and survival skills, and how to tie a slip-knot, among other things.

Not only that, but I think I may have a solution to our troop shortages:

"Boy Scout program membership, as of December 31, 2004

988,995 Boy Scouts/Varsity Scouts

543,487 adult volunteers

52,131 troops/teams" (http://www.scouting.org/factsheets/02-503.html)

Holy cow!

(Editor's note: I only joke on the Scouts because I'm disgruntled... Yes, I used to be a Cub Scout, and my pops talked me into quitting before I got to the Boy Scouts because he didn't want to drive me to the meetings any more...)

Hillbilly Sign of the Week

Hats off to Sheltinski for spotting this one. Found outside a shanty-town on the North Carolina shore. Yee. Haw.

"We have the media now." - Ann Coulter, right-wing hack

Yeah, no kidding. Some other choice Ann Coulter quotes:

"I think a baseball bat is the most effective way [to talk to liberals] these days" [10/6/04]

Canadians "better hope the United States doesn't roll over one night and crush them. They are lucky we allow them to exist on the same continent." [11/30/04]

"... the savages have declared war, and it's far preferable to fight them in the streets of Baghdad than in the streets of New York (where the residents would immediately surrender)." [link]

"I have to say I'm all for public flogging. One type of criminal that a public humiliation might work particularly well with are the juvenile delinquents, a lot of whom consider it a badge of honor to be sent to juvenile detention. And it might not be such a cool thing in the 'hood to be flogged publicly." MSNBC, March 22, 1997

"My libertarian friends are probably getting a little upset now but I think that's because they never appreciate the benefits of local fascism." MSNBC, February 8, 1997.

"I think [women] should be armed but should not vote ..." Politically Incorrect, February, 2001. "It would be a much better country if women did not vote. That is simply a fact." The Guardian, May 17 2003.

"My only regret with Timothy McVeigh (the Oklahoma Federal Building bomber) is he did not go to the New York Times building." New York Observer, interview August 26, 2002.

"We should invade their [muslim] countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity. We weren't punctilious about locating and punishing only Hitler and his top officers. We carpet-bombed German cities; we killed civilians. That's war. And this is war." From her syndicated column, September 13, 2001.

Ain't she/he a darling?

Allow Me To Put An End To Your Suffering... Psyche!

I was worried when my law firm told me they had showers in our offices (for us to use if we were there late, or early...) Then I got really nervous when they gave us Blackberries to carry around at all times and have 24/7 contact through e-mail, in addition to our laptops and cell phones. When they came up with happy hour every Thursday, in the office of course!, I got really concerned...

But with the addition of defibrillators on every floor of our office now, my worst fears have been confirmed! That's it, we're chained to these desks forever. Even death offers us no escape from the tedium. Now, by the miracle of modern science, we can be at work on a Sunday afternoon, stressed to the hilt because some big project is due first thing Monday morning, suffer a heart attack brought on by the stress and the all-McDonald's-all-the-time diet this kind of work imposes on us, and be brought back from the brink with the ol' shocker, given some apple juice, and propped right back up at our desks so we can finish that draft discovery motion!

Yeah, lookit' 'im go!!!