You Ready To Get Your Rapture On?

God created the heavens and the earth and mankind some 6000 years ago. (I know b/c the bible tells me so.)

And some day very soon (I know because the rapture index tells me so), Jesus, our Lord and personal savior, who suffered and died on a cross at the hands of the dirty jews and liberals, will come back to judge us.

For those like me, who have lived in pious, hypocritical indignation for the better part of my adult life, we will be magically lifted up into heaven, to sit at the right hand of the Lord to watch the rest of humanity be tormented with plagues and stuff for years. And this will please the Lord. And me, because I'm a sadomasochistic scumbag with a fetish for the suffering of others. After we get bored watching all those people suffer, many of whom will do so only because they never had the opportunity to see my Will and my Word for themselves (hey, life ain't fair), our Lord Jesus will battle it out with Satan's son in an end-of-days chess match that has already been pre-ordained for him to win centuries ago. (I know b/c my pastel-suited, gold-chain wearing, womanizing, ambiguously gay minister told me so.)

Obviously, this all raises the question, if God created the universe and everything in it, and is all-knowing, and all-seeing, why go through the motions on this pale, blue dot just to torture innocent people of his own creation that likely had no chance to do or know otherwise, and play into this prediction of the end-of-days battle (the victory of which is already pre-ordained)?

And the answer to that, my brothers and sisters, is that the Lord works in mysterious ways...