Friendly Reminders

You know what bothers me (today)? "Friendly Reminders."

You know what I'm talking about. You've all gotten those emails, calls, or letters, and don't pretend you haven't. They usually go something like "Just a friendly reminder to blah, blah, blah... at blah blah time and blah blah place..." They also may or may not have an inordinate amount of smiley face emoticons in them - just to remind us exactly how friendly a reminder they really are...

The expression, though, is a misnomer. There's no such thing. Any reminder is inherently judgmental, because it assumes that we can't remember our appointments or our own schedules, and that whomever sent the reminder is in a better position to warn us of the impending date or time than we are. It's a real slap in the face, and that's not what I was tought friendship is really all about. Friendship is about trusting, not judging. And trust includes believing that your friends can keep their appointments without "friendly" nudging from you. Especially when those friends have a Microsoft Outlook calendar on their computer, a Blackberry with reminder functions, and a collection of post-it notes on their desk that rivals some of the best Fall leaf piles ever raked.

It also inherently signifies that there are "unfriendly" reminders, because the opposites/ good vs. evil theme is rampant in our soeciety. We eat this stuff up like candy! I guess the unfriendly reminders could include thing like past due notices, phone calls from bill collectors, and more likely, that day-before-your-doctor's-appointment call from the really mean lady that works at your doctor's front desk. (You all know who I'm talking about. She and her army of secretary clone dopplegangers infest doctor's offices worldwide. They're everywhere. I think they even have a "Nasty Doctors' Secretaries Without Borders" organization helping tsunami victims out over in Indonesia... "Yes, Mr. Ginandjar? You have an appointment tomorrow morning at 10 to remove that palm tree from your ear. Don't be late, or you will be charged a $25 cancellation fee!")

But, seriously, is there really a need to create a category of friendly reminders, so that you now have unfriendly reminders, neutral reminders, AND friendly reminders? Do we really need all these categories? It's just more stuff for me to compartmentalize in my mind, more facts to memorize, another rule of social etiquette that I'm required to strictly adhere to, lest I get scolded by someone with clearly better-delineated social graces than yours truly, and I really don't have a whole lotta room left for anything else. Every new fact I learn starting right now pushes out a piece of Dukes of Hazzard trivia that's been stored for decades, and I don't want to lose that because its sentimental value is immeasurable. (How else do you think Cooter's Place has stayed in business as long as it has?!) As it is, I already can't remember who was older, Roscoe or LuLu...

Not to mention those reminders are another email I need to delete out of my inbox, another voicemail to listen to and then delete off my phone, or another letter I need to tear up and throw away from my mailbox (that may or may not include personal info someone could use to steal my identity, take out credit cards in my name, and books 20 trips to Tahiti on my dime, and that may or may not have led to the demise of a poor, defenseless tree...)

No animals were harmed in the creation of this rant. - editor

Yesterday Wasn't All That Bad...

So yesterday I got asked along fishing on a summer recruiting event. For those of you that don't know, a law firm summer recruiting season consists of bringing in a bunch of 2nd-year law school students, wining and dining them all summer, giving them cool, interesting projects to work on, paying them the same money a first-year lawyer would make, and taking them to games, shows, concerts, fishing trips, the works. The goal, heh heh, is to trick them into thinking
their jobs are going to be juuuust like this when they start working here for real. In reality, it reminds me of a story I heard many times as a kid...

"One day, however, Pinocchio awoke to a nasty surprise. When he raised a hand to his head, he found he had sprouted a long pair of hairy ears, in place of the sketchy ears that Geppetto had never got round to finishing. And that wasn't all! The next day, they had grown longer than ever. Pinocchio shamefully pulled on a large cotton cap and went off to search for Carlo. He too was wearing a hat, pulled right down to his nose. With the same thought in their heads, the boys stared at each other, then snatching off their hats, they began to laugh at the funny sight of long hairy ears. But as they screamed with laughter, Carlo suddenly went pale and began to stagger. "Pinocchio, help! Help!" But Pinocchio himself was stumbling about and he burst into tears. For their faces were growing into the shape of a donkey's head and they felt themselves go down on all fours. Pinocchio and Carlo were turning into a pair of donkeys. And when they tried to groan with fear, they brayed loudly instead. When the Toyland wagon driver heard the braying of his new donkeys, he rubbed his hands in glee."

In the meantime, though, the wining and dining part is fun, because the lawyers get to take these guys along, and they're usually a pretty cool bunch of kids. So, yesterday, we went fishing on the Chesapeake Bay in Maryland. We caught a bunch of rockfish and striped bass. Good times were had by all.

Don't these guys look like they're having fun?!









But hey, never let it be said that I shirk from my responsibilities. I made sure to bring along my Blackberry, you know, just in case my legal expertise was desperately needed...

The Law Firm Associate or, the Mammal's Version of the Honey Bee

Remember when you were little and one of the first things you learned in elementary science class was about the Honey Bee. You would see pictures or videos of their colonies and witness the Worker Bees' incessant flying back and forth bringing nectar to the comb. We learned about the Queen Bee and her rule with an iron fist and the Drones whose sole purpose was to mate with the Queen Bee and then die or be thrown out of the hive. Do you remember being intrigued by this fascinating element of nature, but, at the same time thankful that you, as an upright, rational and intellectual human being had the ability to create your own destiny and not be relegated to what nature imprinted upon you? Apparently, we forgot what we learned in kindergarten....

We grew up, spent money on overpriced educations and entered our respective law firms as both Drones and Worker Bees, with a scant few Queens thrown in. Now, the dream of being the Queen Been may have been all of our motivations at one point--but once we entered the colony, excuse me, the law firm, our instincts kicked in and survival was the name of the game. Now, I think it's a matter of interpretation between who has it better, the Drone or the Worker Bee.

The Drones have no stingers and do not collect food or pollen for the hive--their sole purpose is to mate with the Queen. However, if the colony is short on food, Drones are often kicked out. I think you'd agree that this describes the way in which most of us try to eek through life at the law firm--laying low, making nice to partners and getting by with the bare minimum, just hoping that no one noticed that we didn't contribute anything to the betterment of the hive. However, once we were found out, there was little hope for our survival.

The rest of the law firm associates are the Worker Bees. Workers feed the Queen, collect the nectar and produce the wax comb. However, their life span is approximately 28-35 days. I think we all know the Worker Bees--they are constantly flying about, rubbing their legs together making that deafening buzzing noise. They are always eager to do more and more, so busy scraping the honey off their legs that they never bothered to notice that there is no way they are ever going to become a Queen but, they still plug away because they know of no other way. (As an aside, the Worker Bees are the only sexually undeveloped bees in the colony--do with that analogy what you will).

The Queen of course is the largest bee in the colony. She is the fat cat partner who rakes in the proceeds from the labor of the Worker Bee. It's hard for us Drones to respect the Queen, because we realize that we are only valuable for one thing and then we are expendable. However, the Worker Bees make us root for the Queen, because at the end of the day, they will die the same death as us Drones, only they will be a lot more tired...

-- K-bull

Let's Hear It From Some of the Lawyers Out There!

If you've ever wondered what it's like to work in a big private law firm, watch the movie "Office Space," replace Lundberg with a smaller and more beady-eyed version of Lundberg, replace the TPS reports with discovery requests, and you're almost there...

But to paint the picture a little more vividly, here are some quotes straight from the horses' mouths:

You probably wake up like I do every day, amazed that they haven't caught on to the fraud. When will the other shoe fall? It's only a matter of time. I don't deserve these checks. I'm not a team player. I'm not even playing the same sport. Every day that goes by is one more successful charade - another scene you've successfully played in the longest running comedy you'll ever see. - "phillylawyer"- http://philalawyer.blogspot.com/2005/03/ten-percenter.html

I haven't done real work in so long that I'm at the point of getting [mad] if they expect me to. - K-bull

This is why I can't stand internal reorganizations and other administrative bs--it's like moving food around on the plate--you aren't fooling anyone into believing that you've eaten it. -K-bull

I just realized why I'm so groggy by the end of the day. Feigning interest really takes a lot out of you. I can only act interested for 6 to 7 hours a day. After that, all bets are off. - J.W.

I love what I do...that is, if "do" means surfing the internet, daydreaming about what I'd like to be doing with my life, and scowling internally at everyone I interact with during the day. I don't understand it; there are people who come to the office everyday ostensibly motivated about being confined for what will amount to the better part of their lives. By where was I, oh yeah, I love what I do... - Paulumon Grundy

Quote of the Day

You're not so blind with patriotism that you can't face reality. Wrong is wrong, no matter who does it or says it. -- Malcolm X (1925-1965)

(Man, he looked a lot like Denzel!)

Rove Protest - 7/19/05

Always lots of excitement going on near the White House...

Today, a group of protestors angry about Rovegate picketed out in front of my office building (apparently they couldn't get near the White House because the Prime Minister of Australia was visiting and it was fenced off).

Here's some pics I snapped with my cellphone. (That just doesn't sound right...)

Unfortunately, I couldn't get a clear shot of the best sign there - worn by an awesome-lookin' puppy - that said "Huskies Against Treason."

Yo, Joe!

My G.I. JOE Theories...

Theory #1 -- It was all a sham. COBRA and G.I. JOE were *both* funded by the Pentagon as a way of either: (1) duping Congress into allocating huge military spending increases to "fight COBRA" and fund G.I. JOE, most of which was never actually allocated to the JOEs, but instead went to other Pentagon projects (or to line Pentagon/ Congressional/ Administration insiders' pockets?); or (2) were both funded (or at least, in the case of COBRA, illicitly supported) simply to provide willing targets and willing test pilots and guinea pigs for new, advanced, untested military hardware (like jets, choppers, lasers, robots, mind-reading devices, spaceships, etc.)

So what's the evidence?

a. How Not to Fight a War on Terror. You ostensibly have a huge, well-financed, global terrorist organization with roots, bases, and cells in many countries, and with some of the world's best scientists, military strategists, and arms suppliers. So what does America do to combat them? We create *and underfund* a very small, "elite" fighting force that did not have the manpower or intelligence to ever actually defeat COBRA, arm them with untested, new military ordinance, and send them on their merry way. (Note: G.I. JOE never actually "defeated" COBRA on a global basis, although they did generally win most of the battles (or all the battles, if you only count the cartoon and not the comic)). This "elite" fighting force went into every battle just like the Light Brigade, charging directly into overwhelming enemy fire, and never operated within even the most basic of military tactical frameworks. They often went into battle before reinforcements arrived, always under-gunned, often alone or without notifying superiors of their position, and often fought with antiquated weaponry and sub-par gear. Very doubtful that they were as elite as advertised.

b. Don’t Look at Me, I’m Hideous! COBRA soldiers and many of their hired mercenaries always wore masks to hide their true identity. This concealment may have been because they were actually mercenaries and former US military and could have been easily recognized by their peers in G.I. JOE and regular military. Because COBRA eventually became a sovereign nation in the Gulf of Mexico (and hence could legitimately defend its borders, coastal waters, and airspace), there was no longer any need for COBRA operatives to conceal their identities for any reason other than this purpose. If they were worried about their families’ welfare they could have them sent to COBRA Island to live their in peace and tranquility under the benevolent rule of Cobra Commander.

c. Mind if I Take This For a Test Drive? Everything the JOEs had in terms of weaponry and logistical support was not only state-of-the-art, but also highly experimental. They regularly carried laser rifles and handguns, used jet packs, cloaking devices, 1-man spaceships and submarines, robots, etc., none of which regular military was using at the time. Considering that most of their operations took place in the early 80s, during the height of the Cold War arms race, and long before much of the technology of today was available, this is highly suspect.

d. No One… Ever… Died! Again, at least not in the cartoon. In the comic, one vigilante Strato-Viper messed everybody up, and he paid the price for it. See, no one is allowed to operate out of the well-delineated parameters. Everybody on both sides gets a laser rifle, and they all knew to never actually kill each other. Or even to shoot each other. Or even to shoot in each others’ direction, taking great care to aim all laser fire at least 30 degrees OVER the enemy positions.

e. The Olsen Twins - Shipwreck and Zartan. These were obviously hack overseers sent to keep tabs on the organization. Note the fact that these 2, working on both “sides,” regularly appeared side-by-side in several cartoon episodes. There is good reason to believe they were acting in collusion, ensuring that COBRA would be able to hatch its plans without interruption or fear of early discovery by the JOEs (and, on the flip side, ensuring that the JOEs would always be able to exploit the only possible weaknesses in each of those well-designed plans).

*** Perhaps COBRA Commander was unaware of this collusion, which might explain why every one of his "perfect plans" and "invincible fortresses" was eventually stormed by the JOEs immediately after completion (though never before completion) leading to a hysterical litany of "This is impossible!?" and "How could this happen!?"

Theory #2 -- Kids today do not have anything nearly as cool as G.I. JOEs to play with.

a. Back in the 80s, you got your G.I. JOEs and their vehicles, took them outside, and built a base (JOE or COBRA, preferably COBRA) out of an old tree trunk, or cardboard box, or a big hole in the dirt. You supplied this base, created interpersonal relationships between the action figures, put them through training, created background stories for all the characters, gathered food, built walls, dug foxholes, built bunkers, made weapons, you name it.

You then had the enemy unleash a devastating attack on your base from multiple vantage points using multiple waves of attackers, and well-crafted military strategies. Casualties were inflicted, prisoners were taken, torture took place, some losers escaped to go home and lick their wounds, and the winners celebrated (usually with torture or cruel games pitting 1 prisoner against the other or against some ninjas for sport). You then had another attack in which an attempt was made to liberate the prisoners (usually successfully) and that generally ended your story because by then you were bored, hungry, or it was getting dark and your mom was yelling at you to come in for dinner and stop getting dirt and grass stains all over your good Wrangler jeans.

b. What do kids have now? Nascar models. Yay, let's push this car around in a circle! WWF figures. Yay, let's buy 2 overpriced posable rubber figures of guys in their undies and bash them into each other while growling! Video games. While these are very, very cool and fun, all the imagination is removed from the equation. All the story lines, plots, characters, and BASES have already been constructed. For the most part, you just go in and shoot everything and steal cars. Which, as I said, is really cool. But, is it leading to a reduced capacity in kids to create and imagine these things (like shooting people and stealing cars) all on their own?


In conclusion, G.I. JOE/COBRA are a farce, G.I. JOE was the coolest toy ever, and Storm Shadow and Snake-Eyes kick butt.

Quote(s) of the Day

Brought to you by, The American Taliban.

These were all so juicy, I thought I'd just give you the link. Be warned, though, these people are scaaaaarrrrrry...... http://www.reandev.com/taliban/

Yeah, let's let them help select our next Supreme Court justice.

Intelligent Design Clearly The Only Explanation

"Poaching making China elephants evolve tuskless"

"BEIJING, July 17 (Reuters) - Chinese elephants are evolving into an increasingly tuskless breed because poaching is changing the gene pool, a newspaper reported on Sunday.

Five to 10 percent of Asian elephants in China now had a gene that prevented the development of tusks, up from the usual 2 to 5 percent, the China Daily said, quoting research from Beijing Normal University.

"The larger tusks the male elephant has, the more likely it will be shot by poachers," said researcher Zhang Li, an associate professor of zoology. "Therefore, the ones without tusks survive, preserving the tuskless gene in the species."

Since only male elephants have tusks, there were now four female elephants for each male in China, up from the ideal ratio of two, the paper said.

Similar changes in elephant tusk development and sex ratios have been reported in Africa and India. 07/17/05 02:59 ET"

Bumper Sticker of the Week

Quote of the Day

All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind.

Aristotle - Greek philosopher, critic, physicist, & zoologist (384 B.C. - 322 B.C.)

By Popular Demand... The Smoking Chimp

From Reuters:

"Zoo wants chimp to kick smoking habit - Officials tell visitors to stop throwing him cigarettes

JOHANNESBURG - A South African zoo is trying to persuade its star chimpanzee to kick a bad smoking habit.Charlie, a grown male chimp and the Bloemfontein Zoo, has been picking up cigarettes thrown to him by visitors and smoking them — a habit he probably picked up by observing humans, zoo officials told the SAPA news agency on Thursday.

"Baby chimps pick up habits by mimicking adults and we think he started mimicking smokers at his enclosure which probably led to smokers throwing him cigarettes," spokesman Daryl Barnes told SAPA.Barnes said Charlie was already showing the signs of a true nicotine addict."

He even acts like a naughty schoolboy by hiding the cigarette when staff approach the area," Barnes said, adding that the zoo was determined to help him quit.

Barnes said the most important thing was that people stop providing Charlie with cigarettes or any other treats, noting the chimp already had three bad teeth because of all the cans of sweet soft drinks that people throw at him.

Charlie is not the only smoking chimpanzee. A zoo in the Chinese city of Zhengzhou reported last year that one of its chimps had taken up smoking and was desperately cadging cigarette butts off visitors. © Reuters 2005."

Video here: http://www.signonsandiego.com/multimedia/archives/001353.html

Quote of the Day

Sticking to Ike for now...

Should any political party attempt to abolish Social Security, unemployment insurance, and eliminate labor laws and farm programs, you would not hear of that party again in our political history. There is a tiny splinter group, of course, that believes you can do these things. Among them are ... a few Texas oil millionaires, and an occasional politician or business man from other areas. Their number is negligible and they are stupid.

-- Fmr. Republican President Dwight D. Eisenhower (11/8/54).

My, my, how things have changed.