House GOP Votes To Rename Everything By Putting the Word "Freedom" in the Title

From the A.P. (really!):

House Republicans today brought up a bill named "The Freedom Act of 2005," ostensibly to rename essentially everything in the nation's capitol to include "Freedom" in the title. No longer content to simply rename french fries "Freedom fries," and July 4th (formerly known as "Independence Day") Freedom Day, some Congress members have stepped up efforts to rename EVERYTHING to show how much they love freedom.

"Through this here new laws [sic]," said co-sponsor Rep. Generic Hillbilly (R - AL), "we will show the evil-doers and terrorists that America stands for is freedom. That's spelled f-r-e-e-d-o-m. It's the ability to do important work like this for the American people in a time of war, that got me into politics in the first place. I really hate towel-heads. They don't love freedom. By the way, have you accepted the Lord Jesus Christ into your heart as your personal Savior?"

When asked for further comment on what exactly "Freedom" meant, the Congressman hurried off to an important meeting with Rep. Tom Delay (R-TX), in order to ensure that sufficient pork was inserted into an upcoming spending bill to appease his corporate backers.

First up on the list, according to the text of the bill:

1. Baltimore-Washington Int'l Airport (aka: "BWI") will be changed to "Free-W.I."
2. Washington, D.C.'s subway system (aka: "the metro") will be changed to "the Freedom Tunnels," with individual trains called "Freedom Mobiles." The current color-coded system will be converted to include new titles to replace the colors. For example, the "orange line" will now be called the "Patriot Line," the "red line" will be called the "Blood of Our Fallen Heroes That's Been Spilt on the Battlefield Line," and the "blue line" will be replaced with the "Amber Waves of Grain Line."
3. Washington D.C.'s Union Station will now be called Freedom Station. The bill's drafters thought leaving the word "union" in the title would mislead visitors to the city into thinking the current Administration actually supported blue-collar workers and labor movements.)

Additional name changes will be phased in over a 3-year period, inclusing renaming the Supreme Court the "Court of Freedom," Capitol hill "Freedom Hill," and the Washington monument "that tower what the French guy planned but's too big to tear down, even though he's French, so we'll leave it."

Democratic leaders in the House could not be reached for comment on the bill. They apparently were hiding under their desks due to a rumor that Karl Rove was visiting with House leaders."

-- Staff Writer