Yo, Joe!

My G.I. JOE Theories...

Theory #1 -- It was all a sham. COBRA and G.I. JOE were *both* funded by the Pentagon as a way of either: (1) duping Congress into allocating huge military spending increases to "fight COBRA" and fund G.I. JOE, most of which was never actually allocated to the JOEs, but instead went to other Pentagon projects (or to line Pentagon/ Congressional/ Administration insiders' pockets?); or (2) were both funded (or at least, in the case of COBRA, illicitly supported) simply to provide willing targets and willing test pilots and guinea pigs for new, advanced, untested military hardware (like jets, choppers, lasers, robots, mind-reading devices, spaceships, etc.)

So what's the evidence?

a. How Not to Fight a War on Terror. You ostensibly have a huge, well-financed, global terrorist organization with roots, bases, and cells in many countries, and with some of the world's best scientists, military strategists, and arms suppliers. So what does America do to combat them? We create *and underfund* a very small, "elite" fighting force that did not have the manpower or intelligence to ever actually defeat COBRA, arm them with untested, new military ordinance, and send them on their merry way. (Note: G.I. JOE never actually "defeated" COBRA on a global basis, although they did generally win most of the battles (or all the battles, if you only count the cartoon and not the comic)). This "elite" fighting force went into every battle just like the Light Brigade, charging directly into overwhelming enemy fire, and never operated within even the most basic of military tactical frameworks. They often went into battle before reinforcements arrived, always under-gunned, often alone or without notifying superiors of their position, and often fought with antiquated weaponry and sub-par gear. Very doubtful that they were as elite as advertised.

b. Don’t Look at Me, I’m Hideous! COBRA soldiers and many of their hired mercenaries always wore masks to hide their true identity. This concealment may have been because they were actually mercenaries and former US military and could have been easily recognized by their peers in G.I. JOE and regular military. Because COBRA eventually became a sovereign nation in the Gulf of Mexico (and hence could legitimately defend its borders, coastal waters, and airspace), there was no longer any need for COBRA operatives to conceal their identities for any reason other than this purpose. If they were worried about their families’ welfare they could have them sent to COBRA Island to live their in peace and tranquility under the benevolent rule of Cobra Commander.

c. Mind if I Take This For a Test Drive? Everything the JOEs had in terms of weaponry and logistical support was not only state-of-the-art, but also highly experimental. They regularly carried laser rifles and handguns, used jet packs, cloaking devices, 1-man spaceships and submarines, robots, etc., none of which regular military was using at the time. Considering that most of their operations took place in the early 80s, during the height of the Cold War arms race, and long before much of the technology of today was available, this is highly suspect.

d. No One… Ever… Died! Again, at least not in the cartoon. In the comic, one vigilante Strato-Viper messed everybody up, and he paid the price for it. See, no one is allowed to operate out of the well-delineated parameters. Everybody on both sides gets a laser rifle, and they all knew to never actually kill each other. Or even to shoot each other. Or even to shoot in each others’ direction, taking great care to aim all laser fire at least 30 degrees OVER the enemy positions.

e. The Olsen Twins - Shipwreck and Zartan. These were obviously hack overseers sent to keep tabs on the organization. Note the fact that these 2, working on both “sides,” regularly appeared side-by-side in several cartoon episodes. There is good reason to believe they were acting in collusion, ensuring that COBRA would be able to hatch its plans without interruption or fear of early discovery by the JOEs (and, on the flip side, ensuring that the JOEs would always be able to exploit the only possible weaknesses in each of those well-designed plans).

*** Perhaps COBRA Commander was unaware of this collusion, which might explain why every one of his "perfect plans" and "invincible fortresses" was eventually stormed by the JOEs immediately after completion (though never before completion) leading to a hysterical litany of "This is impossible!?" and "How could this happen!?"

Theory #2 -- Kids today do not have anything nearly as cool as G.I. JOEs to play with.

a. Back in the 80s, you got your G.I. JOEs and their vehicles, took them outside, and built a base (JOE or COBRA, preferably COBRA) out of an old tree trunk, or cardboard box, or a big hole in the dirt. You supplied this base, created interpersonal relationships between the action figures, put them through training, created background stories for all the characters, gathered food, built walls, dug foxholes, built bunkers, made weapons, you name it.

You then had the enemy unleash a devastating attack on your base from multiple vantage points using multiple waves of attackers, and well-crafted military strategies. Casualties were inflicted, prisoners were taken, torture took place, some losers escaped to go home and lick their wounds, and the winners celebrated (usually with torture or cruel games pitting 1 prisoner against the other or against some ninjas for sport). You then had another attack in which an attempt was made to liberate the prisoners (usually successfully) and that generally ended your story because by then you were bored, hungry, or it was getting dark and your mom was yelling at you to come in for dinner and stop getting dirt and grass stains all over your good Wrangler jeans.

b. What do kids have now? Nascar models. Yay, let's push this car around in a circle! WWF figures. Yay, let's buy 2 overpriced posable rubber figures of guys in their undies and bash them into each other while growling! Video games. While these are very, very cool and fun, all the imagination is removed from the equation. All the story lines, plots, characters, and BASES have already been constructed. For the most part, you just go in and shoot everything and steal cars. Which, as I said, is really cool. But, is it leading to a reduced capacity in kids to create and imagine these things (like shooting people and stealing cars) all on their own?


In conclusion, G.I. JOE/COBRA are a farce, G.I. JOE was the coolest toy ever, and Storm Shadow and Snake-Eyes kick butt.