Bums

I got the idea for this post when I was walking down the street on the way to work a while back, and this bum I see every morning asked me for a dollar. Now of course I didn’t give him jack (if anyone asks, it was because I didn't want to contribute to his bad habits, but really I'm just cheap). The strange thing about it was that two days before the same guy had asked me for 50 cents. I did the math, and I may be wrong, but that sounds to me like this guy just gave himself a 100% raise. Who does he think he is, Congress? You can’t vote yourself a raise! What’s his justification? [Bum voice]: “Hey, I’m sorry man, but our expenses have really gone up in recent weeks. You can’t get a puddle of urine to sit in for less than $5 nowadays. My costs are skyrocketing! You think cardboard signs grow on trees? You think these clothes were free? Ok, maybe the clothes weer, but the sign, the pee, I'm bleeding money here! OK, really I'm just bleeding from that scab I picked a minute ago, but you get the point! This is just the cost of doin' business, and I hate to do it but I’m forced to pass these costs down to you, the consumer. If you don't like it, you'll just have to get yourself another bum to step over every morning...” Seriously, just because they're homeless does not mean the don't recognize basic economics. Mad props to my hom(less)ies!

You gotta give them credit, too. If bums have anything over the rest of society, it’s patience (which probably comes from not having to go to work every day) and a keen understanding of how things actually work (which I'd like to say comes from objective observations of human interaction made over time from their vantage-points on the sidewalk, but what really are probably just induced by LSD flashbacks). How else do you explain (other than sheer insanity) a fat, toothless, drunk, smelly, homeless guy with a double-lazy eye that hits on every girl that walks by? What goes through his mind? [Bum voice]: “Hey baby, you want some 'o this?” … Stuck up! … “Yo, baby, yo!” … Prude! … “Yo, baby, you wanna find god? He’s right here!” … Hater. … Shee, man, thass three in a row. Awright, awright, awright, best outta 7…” Someone musta told this guy that the law-of-averages approach works one out of a hundred times... I wish him the best of luck.

Mean Bums Suck. What is with the really nasty bums that yell at you if you don't give them money? I fully support them scraping by however they can, and if that means begging, then so be it, ya gotta go with what ya know. But some of these guys clearly need to change their approach. For example, there used to be a bum that sat outside McDonald's (go figure) and would yell at everybody that walked by. If 2 asian girls walked by, he'd yell "Go back to your own country!" (not unlike what many other upstanding American citizens say these days, I should add...) I once passed him on the way to lunch and ignored his request - nay, demand! - for money, and he yelled at me, "I hope you choke on your lunch!" Another time I heard someone say "Sorry." to his demands, and he snapped after them: "I wish you were here and I could walk by you and tell you 'sorry.'" Wow, didn't this guy ever hear you catch more flies with honey?! You're not gonna get any repeat customers that way, and you're going to fail miserable at work-of-mouth advertising. It only takes one angry customer with lots of time on their hands to destroy a business. Then again, I shouldn't fault his businss accumen - he is homeless, after all. Obviously his investing strategy was on a par with his sales tactics... This story does actually have a happy ending, though - it turns out that Angry Bum got himself a bum girlfriend! Yeah, the two were spotted sharing park benches, holding hands, the works. It was beautiful, I tell you, shakespeare couldn't have written a better ending. (Of course, his ending would have involved both of them dying in some very ironic fashion...)

Ok, last point while I'm on the subject of bums, what about the crazy ones that scream and preach and rail about god? And no, cynics, I'm not (just) talking about Rick Santorum. Now, I’m not just being mean here when I call them crazy, ‘cause ya gotta be just a tad off to think you’re gonna win someone over to the path of righteousness by screaming about god to them as they walk by on their way to work and you’ve got your head in a garbage can, there’s 3-day-old BK fries stuck in your hair, and your hands are full of the cigarette butts you’ve been harvesting to create the world’s biggest collection of fully smoked cancer sticks, which you will later line up in front of you on the sidewalk in alphabetical order by brand name just because you have that kind of time... No, sorry, Preacher-Man in a Can, when I want to hear about god and jesus from a raving old lunatic, I'll do what most people do, I'll switch the channel on my TV over to Pat Robertson.

Best t-shirt ever seen on a bum: "You Don't Know Me."

Best ravings ever heard from a bum (pictured below sermoning to a half-eaten tuna sandwich and yesterday's WaPost): "And do you know what Confucius said?! Where is my fortune cookie?!" Quality.